When you ignore the alarm bells


An actual photo of me in hospital

These past two weeks I haven't been coping. In fact, I write this post from a hospital bed. I've been pumped full of drugs and have only just woken up after a 12 hour sleep. Thankfully I'm not seeing purple elephants or recieving directions from the devil (I promise this has never happened before), but I feel like I'm back to square one and it's a horrible feeling.

The unpredictable nature of mental illness makes it so difficult to live with. For me, it's always under the surface, but I can cope, with meditation, mindfullness, yoga, and healthy eating. I'm sure many of you know the self-care drill. These things help immensely, until they don't anymore, and the fake face you had painted on peels off for the world to see.

Putting on a face for the world has become all too familiar for me

When my old foe comes to haunt me again, things go south fairly quickly. Life continues at its usual crazy pace, but I can't keep up. I struggle to drop and pick my kids up from school/kindy, keep up with uni, go food shopping, go to the post office and even make phone calls. In fact, I struggle to do just about anything.

I can't face criticism or deal with any confrontation, regardless of how small. Social situations are enough to make me run with my tail between my legs and the site of any mess around the house can send me into a meltdown.

My addictiveness comes into play too and sitting up until 3 in the morning binge watching netflix or online shopping is not uncommon. Unfortunately, late nights exasperate everything!

All of these things serve as warning bells. Late nights and not being able to switch off, irritability, extreme avoidance, pervasive thoughts of self-harm and suicide. These bells may as well be off a church tower. They couldn't get any louder!

Still, I try to ignore them and if that doesn't work I put up a fight. The trouble is they often don't go away and the more I fight the angrier I get and the more people I affect in the process. It is very difficult for me to admit when my foe is winning. Usually by this time, it is also too late.

For anyone reading this who experiences mental illness, please don't ignore the warning signs. Don't be a stubborn arse like me and fight until there's no fight left. Sometimes, we need help and that means being honest with yourself and others. You know yourself best and consequently, when it's past your control.

After ignoring the bells for too long (and not taking my own advice), here I am. On a hospital ward for an undisclosed amount of time, feeling beyond exhausted but knowing I am in the right place. All I want more than anything in the world is to be home with my family, but I know that ultimately, I'm doing this for them.

Mothers day is tomorrow and it kills me I won't be home for the kids' breakfast in bed, which will probably consist of burnt toast and cold coffee. All I can hope for is that they understand that I'm away to get better for them, and that I will never give up.

At least they have coffee, even if it is in a styrofoam cup!


I'd give absolutely anything for that burnt toast and cold coffee, even if that means having to stay in hospital and face some difficult truths while I'm at it.




Comments

  1. cynthia7 April 2025 at 01:41

    I am writing to share my heartfelt thanks to Dr. Harry for the incredible results he achieved in treating me and my cousin's sister. I was cured of the herpes virus through his herbal remedy, and my cousin's sister also experienced a full recovery from the same condition. This is a truly remarkable testimony to Dr. Harry's dedication and the efficacy of his treatment. I feel compelled to share my story so that others can access his healing services. If you are seeking treatment, I urge you to contact Dr. Harry via email at drharryherbs@gmail.com for a chance at better health

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