Some memories are not better left untold

This is probably one of the hardest posts I could write because it deals with memories I've kept hidden for a long time. However, I feel it is important that I address these memories because there are many women in the same position who may find solace in my story.

The #metoo movement saw many women come out and tell their stories, and I was both saddened and proud. Saddened that these stories are still being told in our time, but proud that so many women could discuss them so openly with the world. I never shared my story because I was too afraid. Afraid of being judged. I now realise that keeping them hidden only supports the perpetrator, so I'm breaking the silence today.

I have unfortunately been the victim of sexual assault and rape numerous times. When I asked my psychologist about this he told me that it wasn't my fault, rather it was due to a set of circumstances that dictate why people are re-traumatised. One of these circumstances is they may turn to alcohol or mind-altering substances due to the pain of the trauma, therefore putting them in a more vulnerable position. Another is they believe themselves to be less worthy than other people and seemingly believe they deserve any negativity that comes their way.

The second circumstance really rings true for me. From the first time I was molested when I was eighteen in the club I was working at by a customer, I believed it was my fault. After all, I was working as an exotic dancer. Isn't that all I deserved? From then on out I viewed the world through a lens. This lens told me I was underserving of good things, that I was worthless and couldn't stop bad things from happening to me.

Unfortunately more bad did happen to me and by the time I was 30 I had been sexually assaulted four times and raped twice, once by a man who assured me he wouldn't hurt me and who I trusted, and another by a man who I made it clear to I wasn't interested. Was alcohol involved? Often. Was I dressed to go out? Most of the time. Was I reckless? Sometimes. Regardless of all of these factors, what happened to me was wrong and I 'm only just accepting the fact that it wasn't my fault.

For all these years I have blamed myself. For all these years I have felt like I've had a dirty little secret that I couldn't possibly reveal, for fear of people judging me or putting me in a box. I don't want to be a victim, but I don't want to pretend like none of this ever happened either. That wouldn't be giving justice to other victims, and they deserve that.

Today I deal with PTSD as a result of all these assaults. When I have a panic attack or if I'm in a particularly heightened state of arousal, the memories come flooding back. When I'm lying in bed at night and it's dark and quiet, I see their faces and I can't help but feel rage for what they did. When I pass certain places I remember the incidents like they're happening right in front of me.

The thing is, I know I'm not the only one. Millions of women deal with this on a daily basis and millions more will deal with it in the future. All I can do is hope that my daughter doesn't have to be one of them. That I teach her early to respect herself, to speak out if something is upsetting her, and above all to trust her gut instinct. Unfortunately, not everyone can be trusted.

If you're reading this and you're like me, please speak out. Don't keep the memories hidden. Talk to someone you trust about it because there is nothing worse than keeping things suppressed.  I've kept my emotions suppressed for so long that no one knew I needed help, not just in regards to my past traumas, but also with daily mental health. As a result, I'm only now getting the help I need. 

Everyone deserves the right to a platform whether it be #metoo or in the office of their therapist. I hope that the more we talk, the more the world listens and stands up against this injustice because everyone deserves to be treated fairly, regardless of their sex.